Passion it out.

I don’t know what I should be writing, but I know I should be.
I’ve had nothing short of inspiration lately, interesting things transpiring in the day-to-day, and it feels like my life is finally in the beginning stages of molding into something.

I’m not surprised often in life, I’ve become fairly good at predicting the various outcomes of actions I take and coupling them with the reactions of the affected parties.

Lately though, there have been a lot of little curve balls. The happenings of my days have been speeding at an accelerated pace, to a point where its a bit hard to keep up because I’m so used to slow days.
I’m adjusting, but with the sinking feeling that all these things I’m attempting to adapt to are just going to burn in a hellish blaze before I can get my shit together for them.

It’s a wave of cheerfulness with an undercurrent of pessimistic paranoia.

And although I’m cheerful, I know I cant expect to keep these good things without applying equilibrium to the give and take relationship that I unexpectedly walked in on.

If at some point before I can fill the hole I’ve previously dug for myself, these things begin planning an escape, I will not, for a second, hesitate to fight for them.
I suppose lately I feel like fighting for the good things in my life, wont be a pointless uphill battle.

Say It Ain’t So.

Here I was at the Moreno House for a party. I thought to myself wouldn’t it be nice if I could actively note my thoughts on this very event in real-time. Mostly I would just note how nice the esteem-bags are on this particular red-dressed girl.
At the sight of my good friend doing a wonderful job mingling, I put my mind and its radical ideas at ease.
These two consecutive nights of exploring the dark underbelly were primarily about him after all. It’s not that I somehow managed to put the quality of my experience at secondary priority, it just naturally slipped into that slot, given the place I had recently arrived at emotionally. This is meant in the best possible way.

Sure I saw some very attractive girls those two nights, and yes, they would have probably turned into great conversations, and given good words and an open mind, possibly even great sexual narratives, to be told to only my close male friends on later occasions. but despite the temptation always presented with imagining the possibilities, I just wasn’t in the mood. I am, at least, partially content with myself right now, some would even argue devil-may-care happy.

Perhaps not being in the mood to actively pursue women, is my way of showing this. After-all why fight for something if you are just pleased as punch without it.

Given my friend was doing a better-than-usual job on his own, I proceeded to duck out and spend some time with my purebread Russian blonde with red highlights; Stolichnaya.

Whilst walking back to the Moreno house, I silently drifted to thinking about how slow, steady and good life was for me at that moment. I had met a girl, who given some time could probably turn my entire nihilistic world upside down, melting my pessimist heart in the process. I had my good friend, who was breaking previously solid barriers in his approach to the social-sphere and I even managed to straighten out some crinkly social spots, allowing them to once more continue on their respective natural courses. Here I was, handling the things that mattered to me with an elegant ease.

And yet, even with a steady stream of sex and emotionally satisfying pillow talk, there is an undercutting wave of not knowing what the fuck.
Perhaps it lays in the fact that Im stuck on the border of living in the now and creating a road-map for the future.

As usual, I am unable to figure out where I’m going, or find the appropriate means of transportation. The difference this time around, is the place I’m in at the moment is at least mildly tolerable.