Mistakes Made. Lessons Learned.

My life has crashed in this cluster-fuck of a place and isn’t showing any signs of moving. In much the way a beggining meth user thinks nothing can go wrong, and then ends up in jail, I have ended up here, with nowhere near the apparent means of figuring out what exactly went wrong. Oh meth head, you have it easy, anybody can tell you where you messed up. Where things took a turn for the worst.

It’s hard to describe exactly whats wrong with this place I’m in. It’s discreetly fucked up.

I only really started getting into music 5 years ago, and back then I listened to music that was happy, generally optimistic. Now I find myself constantly listening to music that is rusted and grungy, almost sadist. It spurs the feeling to tilt my head back in my chair, close my eyes, and think back to when things were just what they were on the surface. No hidden meanings or agendas to decipher. Everybody just said things, and my mind left it at that.

The times were good, and I can still remember the exact physical attributes of all the constants in my life back then. I would walk up the 3 stairs to my house and insert the key into the door and its rusty knob. I would run up the second fleet of longer stairs, with an energy that seemed unlimited at the time. I would come in and hug my mom, and even though her body was small and frail, the confines of her generated love seemed limitless.

little did I know that feeling was excruciately hard to find in the big bad world.
I didn’t know what I had until I lost it. Total fucking cliche. I spent my whole life avoiding these truisms and I fall hard on the most painful one. If only someone had told me.

No more. I always look at what I have now and appreciate it, realizing that nothing is forever and things are taken away when least expected. Life is a hell of a player, but I’m working on a strategy that’s gonna have it on its toes. I’m sticking to the things that feel right. This. Writing feels right. Among other things. Lets not blow this by giving away the plan of attack.

Nobody is indifferent to anything.

I like how we all look back at how happy we were as children.
I was happier in the 5th grade for example then I am now, and I didn’t think about life as much. Everyday was just another school day, learning, having a fun time during recess with friends.

What changes? its hard to say. But I think I have come up one of the aspects.
As we transition to adulthood, We start to attempt to balance what makes us happy, what makes the people around us happy, and what makes society happy. Attempting to give each one of these deciding factors a 33 percent share of what molds our final decision. The difference, of course is our younger selves went about decision making without including society, and including the people around us in a very small way.

We just didnt give a fuck, poetically speaking.
We were as a whole ignorant, And boy, was it bliss.

And then we started caring, we started thinking and analyzing, how every one of our actions would affect the people involved and even the people indirect to the decision at hand.

From there some of us attempted to paint ourselves as indifferent. Make it seems as though we STILL didn’t care what people or society thought, and because of it were happier and more free. And boy did some of us do a good job. Such a good act in fact that we even believed it ourselves.

But at the end of the day, everybody cares about everything and that may very well be our biggest downfall.