Future Divided by Two

It’s always good, the feeling you get when you walk into a high class restaurant you could never afford on your normal budget, but you can at this point, because you just got paid a hefty sum of money. It’s only 200 dollars, but treat yourself anyway. After-all whats life, if you don’t indulge the tendencies that lean towards a higher class. Having the woman look at you and think, he must be some young hot-shot entrepreneur. I dress the part, because I wear good clothing, despite being relatively poor and having about 30 dollars to spend a week.

At this point, I am able to imagine my life in 10 years in only two possible ways.

I walk into a small-town bar, with relatively no clientele, it smells of cheap bear and frugally roasted nuts. Hung-over, I make my way to the bar stool. A man sits far away, who knows my life story. His friend asks him, clearly seeing the pity on his face as related to the very sight of me, who I am. The man replies ” He’s a rather tragic case, he had at any given moment, a potential that I have only seen in groups, collaborating restlessly”.

The other way, relates to the good feeling I get when I patronize a restaurant, a place that I could only afford on the daily basis, if I were wealthy. I have hope that this rare feeling I am allowed to have is what will propel me to take this route in life.

I park my sedan, and proceed to the restaurant. I enter through the back, showing the people as well as the waiters that I am a frequent flyer on this plane of delicious indulgence. The waitress greets me, she knows I am a friend and not a foe. She proceeds to seat me, walking in front of me, with her perky waist, making almost a wand motion from side to side, like a small wave on a warm quiet beach. I sit.

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The First and Hopefully Last

From time to time, I like to steer away from the philosophical writings that reveal very little about my personal life and more about the dwelling I do in my own mind. Today I will be focusing on my troubles as a person.

I am in what one would call a rut. I’d like to define for you, the reader, the definition of a rut in my mind. A rut is seemingly never-ending circle of the same constants that produce very little change. The result of being in this lifestyle state is a mini-depression, constant boredom, and very little productivity. Bear with this post because it is truly hard to summarize the state that I am in, I don’t even really know if it is real, or if I am just over-exaggerating in my own mind how shallow my life has become. The worst thing about this rut, is that it is hard to pin-point the exact moment at which it started, making it hard to see the actions that set it in motion, and even harder to decide actions of change that must be taken to escape the abyss of self-destructive bullshit. It has been like this for what I think is a good 8 months now.Their is also a scary aspect to a rut, being in a rut if feel as if it is possible that you as a person, once in a rut will never escape it. But I’m not about to let that happen.

I wake up everyday, knowing that the majority of my time that day, will be spent in the solitude of my own room, like a slightly less depressing prison at this point. I sit or lay around listening to music, I wash my hands in my bathroom every time I feel like they are a little chapped, I look at that bathroom mirror and stop for a couple of seconds asking myself, how exactly I got to this point, and how I can escape it. I download some movies, even some new music, eat something, go out for a smoke and then come back in. I do these things in a loop for about 13 hours and then around 2 AM I go to sleep.

The dog in my lawn, is only slightly envious of my life at this point.

I have friends, but they are closer to glorified acquaintances than anything. I don’t have a best friend, because I have yet to find someone, I actually enjoy spending a long amount of time with. I don’t have a meaningful relationship, the 3 or so girls I have decided on in the past few years, ended up being dead ends. The girl I think I like right now, could go either way, so you never know. I get invited to different parties from time to time, and shine for a short time, inviting onto myself the occasional random fling, which usually just offers temporary gratification, in expense for a little more depression that I must later deal with. The rest of the time, I use the internet to discover and read up on new things.

Hopefully this isn’t all their is to life.